apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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