There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
