I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
