I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
