I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
