Swine flu is the new snow day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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