I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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