i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
