Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
