I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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