dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
