Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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