Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
