The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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