The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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