I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
