Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
