I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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