God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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