dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
