i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I wear drunk well.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
