my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
