Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize