I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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