I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
