i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
