did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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