if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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