theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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