she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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