my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
