when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
