Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
