tell your sister to shave her snatch
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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