I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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