I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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