Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
