Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
