If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
