everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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