tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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