i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
