do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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