I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
