No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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