He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
