well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
