How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
cat food counts as protein by the way
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
