You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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