does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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