someone get that fucking seahorse.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
