If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
