I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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