There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
