You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize