Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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