I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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