Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
