Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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