And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize