He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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