Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize