I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
