dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
