my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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