Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
