i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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