were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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