Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
